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help with small poem in Chinese I wrote
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TianLong -
还记得,咱们一起老躺着,晚上到天明,谈论生活的神秘
It is meant to mean,
(I) Still remember, how we used to lie together, through evening till dawn, discussing the
mysteries of life.
It is not meant to be a beautiful poem about nature and waterfalls, rather a poem creating an
intimate feeling about two lovers. As I am not native Chinese, it is hard for me to know if it
sounds very awkward -- well poems are allowed to be a little awkward, but not too much -- or if
something in the grammar or chosen words are wrong making it differ from my original meaning, or
if it is difficult to understand.
What do you think about it?
=)
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shanewangbest -
似乎这样表达更好：
尤记得，我们依偎在一起彻夜长谈，谈论生活的神秘。
更符合汉语的习惯。
Hopefully this is helpful.
TianLong -
Thank you, but that was not at all what I needed =)
I wanted to know if sentence thing I wrote was grammatically correct or sounded terrible wrong in
some way, like "tangzhe", is my use correct?
TianLong -
Cause this is about a woman I knew, I didnt want the meaning altered. =)
skylee -
Since it is not meant to be beautiful, just drop the 老. One gets bed sores if one 老躺着.
zozzen -
hehe, it's the first time i read a chinese free-style poem written by laowai. As you said, small
awkwardness is acceptable in 新诗, your original one is okay.
btw, it's "犹记得" , not "尤记得".
TianLong -
Thanks for your replies! Very helpful!
"Since it is not meant to be beautiful, just drop the 老. One gets bed sores if one 老躺着"
=D, it means you lay in bed all the time or forever?
Then how to write "often/used to", in a better way?
zozzen -
it's more chinese if you drop "老" or write "老是趟着", but it's a poem..... it's all about
personal style.
犹记得, 我与他, 老是躺着,
从黑夜到白天,
从喧闹到静谧,
你指着星星, 细说你人生的秘密.
我指着心心, 透露我一生的甜蜜.
( 晕了~~~ 那分明是琼瑶文艺腔........)
studentyoung -
Quote:
还记得,咱们一起老躺着,晚上到天明,谈论生活的神秘
It is meant to mean,
(I) Still remember, how we used to lie together, through evening till dawn, discussing the
mysteries of life.
Hehe ~ ~. It sounds so romantic!
曾记否
与卿相偎依
深宵到天明
论人生奥秘
Cheers!
muyongshi -
Quote:
曾记否
与卿相偎依
深宵到天明
论人生奥秘
写得好动人！
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